It was five years ago that my heart sang
admiration and love for knowing you
and everything we shared in our friendship.
The laughter, intoxicated merriment,
pizzas and beer in the late-night streets of Cologne,
all serve as pleasant memories
I shall not forget.
Our differences were minor, although I am
still amused by the site of holding and kissing a lady
a foot taller than I.
We were Californians sharing a
cultural connection in a far away land.
To describe it solely as such though,
would do injustice to my feelings beneath.
You brought out a lively spirit in me
that celebrated the joy of being alive.
It was the playful flirtations between us that confused me,
dumbfounded my heart, and made me ask
to what extent the tender love and care I felt for you,
would translate into true feelings
and indications of a deep love
- an emotion that I longed for.
Should I not have been so contemplative?
Should I just have given in to the spontaneity
of the moment and feeling?
To let down the barriers
and cast away my subjective rules of engagement
seemed too difficult;
as pleasurable the consequences might have been.
The truth is complicated, but must be told.
I felt intimidated by your stature.
Your state of health made me feel uneasy,
and I didn’t want to feel unable to help.
In that time, I was trying to extend love
and seek reciprocation elsewhere.
While sharing our friendship, the little
acts of kindness and affection made me
feel special, feel loved, feel cared for.
My folly was in trying to continue these feelings,
although the air around me clearly said
that at this point, I couldn’t stand on neutral ground anymore.
“No Man’s Land” was precisely that,
a place for neither of us to be.
And yet, I acted selfish by staying in this zone
while playing with Cupid’s bow.
In retrospect, I hurt myself too by allowing this to happen
and never fully explaining myself.
Back home in the year that followed,
I saw and heard from you occasionally,
but a lasting friendship did not come to be.
Hearing of your poor health, the surgeries,
the state of the family and all else,
I so wanted to reach out and hug you.
But this awkward rift was still there.
Perhaps it didn’t phase you,
being the strong woman you are.
Nonetheless, it had affected me.
Wherever you are Jessica,
on earth, in the heavens, or reborn…
I want you to know I’m sorry.
May peace and happiness reside in your spirit
for all of eternity.
